Tiger in the Field

“There was a legend. A legend of a tiger that would sneak into the prairie and kill the shepherd’s sheep. The shepherd became weary for he searched for the tiger and could find no evidence of his existence. The shepherd decided to set a trap and surrounded his sheep in mud hoping to find footprints of the tiger. The next day when the shepherd found no footprints he came to the unsettling realization that there was no tiger. The sheep had turned on each other, and had been doing the killing all along. For the sheep knew, by doing something so violent to their own kind, no one would suspect them.

So allow me to ask you Jeffrey, are you the tiger that is feared, but doesn’t exist? Or are you the unsuspecting sheep capable of killing his own?”

I look at the Dairy Queen manager with confusion. “I’m not sure sir. I was just looking for a summer job. Maybe something on the register?”

“Money corrupts us” he replies still staring at the wall where a calendar use to hang.

“Excuse me sir?” I ask.

“Coin. Paper notes. Legal tinder. It’s all very corrosive to our character. Don’t you think?”

“I don’t know about that sir. I’m trying to save up for a car. I’m hoping for something with a good safety rating. Maybe a Subaru...I don’t know.”

“Safety? This is Dairy Queen Jeffrey. Her majesty has no room for the meek. I’m afraid we won’t let you coddle your mother’s bosom here.”

I pause unsure if that was a question.

“How do feel about working for a monarchy in a capitalist state?”

“Um...that should be fine sir. Uh, did I understand there’s a discount on the ice cream for employees?”

“Discounts? Is that what concerns you Jeffrey? You feel that your loyalty should be rewarded through percentages off of a chocolate dipped swirl? And how much do you think you are worth?”

“Well like 20% would be ideal. Or maybe like a loyalty plan where I buy 4 and the 5th one is free?”

“That’s the same percentage” he replies without hesitation.

“What?” I ask.

His prolonged exhale suggests he is frustrated.

“Whether you get one cone at 20% off, or buy 4 and the 5th cone at no cost, you are still only saving 20%” he replies with some deep rooted anger.

“It’s basic fractions” he mutters.

“True, but the latter requires me to buy more. This involves more visits and moves product. Say I don’t return after my 3rd cone, and you’ve managed to talk me into a medium cookie dough blizzard to accompany my chocolate dip swirl, on two of those visits, I’ve paid full price on everything with no savings, plus the up sell.”

His eyes look up and left processing my logic.

“Very well” he says. “The loyalty program it is”.

Well I’m glad that’s settled, I think to myself.

“But now Jeffrey, we need to measure intestinal fortitude”.

“I’m pretty regular if that’s what you’re asking sir”.

He reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a .357 revolver. Without breaking eye contact he opens the cylinder sending all the rounds falling to the table below. The manager retrieves one round and places it in the weapon, spinning the cylinder and flipping it shut. He places it on the table within arms reach.

“Take it Jeffrey. Show me your commitment.”

I look at the weapon and back at him. “No” I answer.

“I knew you didn’t have what it takes” he says as he slides the weapon back into the drawer.

“I don’t” I said “not with that cowardly weapon. Look at any respectable monarch in a memorable era throughout the dark ages to enlightenment and tell me which of them used a firearm. None that I can name. The blade is a weapon that carries honor because you have to be within arms reach of your adversary for it to do its job. You can’t cower behind cover at 200 meters away and hope for the best. No sir, you need to be close. In his space, hearing his heart beat, feeling his fear. That’s why I can’t. Not with that.”

“You have the job Jeffrey. You start Monday. Bring your own khakis and we’ll provide the polo”.

**When was your last interrogation? Leave a detailed description and the circumstances in the comments section.