Food Journal
Meal: McDonald's Double-Quarter Pound with Fries. Beverage: Coca-Cola.
9:17pm-The initial intake was well received. My palate welcomed the multitude of flavors. After having not ate for nearly 11 hours my body yearned for maximum calories. I was grateful to Ronald McDonald and the nourishment that his facility was able to provide.
9:26pm-The meal was consumed in its entirety. I felt slightly bloated but no substantial side effects were noted.
9:27pm-I began to experience labored breathing. I try to readjust but no position seemed to deliver relief.
9:28pm-I feel the sebaceous glands on my forehead constrict and suddenly I feel as though my face is covered in hamburger grease. My abdominal cavity felt as though it was filled with crude oil, and every time I made a turn, I could feel it slosh to one side.
9:32pm-As I drive under the street lamps in the evening rain, I catch the reflection of the McDonald’s clown in my rear view and hear his laughter. I quickly turn my head only to find my backseat empty. My god. Was he ever there??? What was happening to me?
9:33pm-My heart stops.
9:34pm-I awake to find myself in a tranquil setting, surrounded by white light that appears to have no end. Two angels with clear skin and a calming presence wipe my brow with a cotton cloth. Suddenly their actions are stopped by an unknown voice. The voice tells them that impurities are detected in my body and for putting such poison into what should be considered a temple, I am not welcome in their afterworld and shall be banished to hell!
9:37pm-My skin grows hot trailed by a falling sensation. I land abruptly in a pool of bubbling tar. I struggled to spit out the black substance before it goes down my throat. From somewhere in the darkness I hear a demonic voice say “Do you know where you are? We have made special accommodations for you... inside your own stomach. Welcome to hell. By the way, you’re just in time for lunch. Today’s meal: The McRib.”
9:39pm-I began to scream. But my shouts are drowned out by the flatline tone of a heart monitor. Followed by a series of beeps. I awake to find myself in the emergency department of Harborview hospital. The doctor explained that they were able to pump my stomach and revive me after having been dead for nearly six minutes. The doctor explained that even though I will live it will take years to fully regain use of my gastrointestinal system.
10:02pm-As I lay in my hospital bed I received an email survey from McDonald’s asking me to give them a five star rating if I was completely satisfied with my experience. Based on losing total functioning of multiple body systems, dying and ultimately going to hell, I elected not to give them five stars and decided that they would have to settle for a four instead. All in all it wasn’t a bad meal.
**Ever need a kidney transplant after eating a gas station “kosher” hotdog or food truck tuna? We need to hear about it. It might just save a life. Brief us in the comments section.
